So this is it…the last paper of the semester…I am going to be very ‘kewl’ and allow my students to choose their own topic for the most crucial paper of the semester… the paper I strongly refuse to accept past the due date…the paper in which MLA has to be perfected … the paper in which spelling, grammar, punctuations, citation, etc. will be perfect … One spelling error = minus 1 point … Anyway, I came across this ‘advice’ (spoof form) and thought it was kinda cute! Definitely the type of advice any college student wishing to succeed ought to avoid

1. Be sure not to open your texts. After all, doing so may reduce their resale value. Don’t underline important phrases or make marginal notes. If you do, the things will be worthless at the end of the semester when you need to get money for a trip to Europe.

2. Write your paper the night before it’s due. The pressure will do wonders for your powers of concentration and selectivity. Definitely don’t write a draft and revise it; that takes entirely too much time that would be better devoted to fun and games.

3. Be sure that you repeat what your professor has said in class. Verbatim transcripts work best in this regard. That way it’s obvious you’ve been paying attention. After all, if you get your stuff straight from the horse’s mouth, how can you go wrong?hahaha!

4. If in doubt, be evasive and noncommittal. Use words like “seems,” “appears,” “maybe,” “I think,” and “in my opinion.” If possible, end your paper with something like this: “But in the final analysis, who’s to say?” This is known as a rhetorical question.

5. If you quote from a source, make sure you don’t comment on the quote. You might get into trouble. It’s always better to say something like: “The above quotation illustrates the author’s point admirably.” Don’t say how, though. That’s for the professor to figure out! And whatever you do, certainly don’t attempt to evaluate anything. After all, you might get it wrong. hahaha

6. If you must have a thesis, make sure it’s nice and vague and uncontroversial. Prove something that you’re sure about and that only a moron would ever question. In addition, offer only broad generalizations to support the thesis; never get pinned down on details.

7. Whenever possible, use lots of jargon. In fact, the more the better. It will give your paper an air of authority. Also, it tends to confuse professors. After all, they can’t give F’s to what they don’t understand! Besides, jargonized morphemes are the sort of things that look good in a paper. Your professor may even think you are a logophile.

8. Don’t bother to proof-read. And whatever you do, don’t get someone else to proof-read for you! Professors are paid good money to catch spelling errors and grammatical faults; make’em earn it.

9. Don’t ever use a computer spelling or grammar checker! Besides, when you’re out of college a secretary will do that sort of stuff for you.

10. Finally, whenever possible turn your paper in late. Your professor will probably figure that you worked on it harder and longer than your classmates. After all, ‘A’ is for effort, isn’t it?